December 5, 2008

Found on sfgate via the AP:

Man allegedly assaults girlfriend with burger

Thursday, December 4, 2008

(12-04) 20:28 PST Vero Beach, Fla. (AP) --

A Vero Beach man faces a domestic violence charge after authorities said he assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. An Indian River County Sheriff's Office arrest report said a 22-year-old man and his girlfriend got into an argument as they sat in a car in front of their home.

The report said the man would not let the woman out of the vehicle, so she threw his drink out of the car. In response, the man allegedly grabbed her arm and smashed the cheeseburger into her face. The pair got out of the car, and authorities say the man again took the McDonald's sandwich and put it on her face.

The man was released on $1,000 bond Wednesday.

If I could write a screenplay for this story, it would go like this:

Scene 1 In the car

Man: Did they put ketchup in there for my fries?
Girlfriend: Yes. Let's go inside and eat.
M: I want to eat in the car.
G: Let's go in. There's more room on the dining table than the dashboard.
M: I'm hungry now. (Getting angry.)
G: I don't want to make a mess in here. I'm going inside.
M: Give me my burger! I'm hungry! (Uses power lock to lock door.)
G: You're not letting me out of the car? Fine. (Tosses soda out car window.) There goes your soda!
M: Well, here's your burger! (Smashes cheeseburger in her face.)

Scene 2 Outside the car

(The couple exits the car)
M: Oh wait, you left something in the car. (Reaches in to get cheeseburger that was smashed in her face.) Here, finish your burger. (Smashes burger in her face again.)

Scene 3 The police station

Police officer: Bail will be $1000.
M: Aw man, that's a lot of McChickens!

The end

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