July 20, 2007

As most of you know, I am not what you call an animal lover. I eat them, I want to kick them, I occasionally see them on tv.

There is a whole lot of outrage from my arch-enemies at PETA over Michael Vick and his buddies engaging in their non-traditional dog training methods. Here's my only problem with that: If I were Vick and had over $100M in the bank, why stop at dogfighting? I would buy a whole mess of animals and then have them battle to determine the true king of the jungle. It'll be Noah's Ark gone wild. Mike Tyson had a few tigers. I'm sure Vick and company would have no problems getting any creature that can walk, crawl, swim, or fly.

It appears that Animal Planet had a show called Animal Face Off where they did some research and simulated a fight between species. Now if you told me they would use real animals to do this, I'm putting this on the DVR season pass.

If dogfighting is really that popular among NFL players, here's what I would do. Acquire one of each NFL animal mascot. Teams that are not animals (49ers, Jets, etc) have their choice of any beast or a man with a gun. There will be a special air division for the Falcons, Seahawks, Cardinals, Eagles, Ravens, and any other team that chooses a flying creature. (Knowing the Cleveland franchise, they will probably select a butterfly in this competition.) All other competitors will be grouped into the land division and fight in a 20 foot square cage. The Dolphins (and any other swimming creatures) will be allowed to fight their opponent in a 5 foot deep pool.
Rules: there are no rules. Once an animal (or the man with gun) goes limp or gets eaten, the fight is over. Random draw, single elimination tournament. People have used the which mascot would beat the other mascot method to pick winners for years. This just adds some excitement to it.

Between Vick's dogs, Pacman's ability to control the weather, and the appropriately named Tank Johnson's ammo, this season's fantasy football team names are bound to be the most entertaining in years.

1 comment:

messy said...

i saw a thing on the tv where people were betting on horse fights. two male horses would be put in a ring with one mare, and they'd fight.

this took place in korea. this is how we roll.