I violated my parole and had to go back to prison today.

Actually, I just went back to the Marsh Creek Detention Center to pick up some refurbished bikes and handmade toys for our youths. The inmates loaded up my van and I started back to Richmond. It wasn't until I got back that I noticed 2 men hiding underneath a stack of bikes. They said they would let me live if I didn't say anything. I refused to cooperate and a scuffle ensued. With the stack of bikes on top of them, I had a clear advantage. I beat them down using one of the stick horses they had crafted. I then used the chain from one of the bikes to tie their feet together until the police got there.
(Editor's note: Portions of the preceding paragraph may not be true. In fact, after the first 2 sentences, none of the stuff really happened, but I thought it would be more exciting.)