Mad Cal Olympic Ranting

Paul Hamm

I still don't know why his name is pronounced differently than Mia Hamm. But when I think of Paul Hamm and his gold medal, I think about a movie called Best of the Best. It was about a team of American martial artists (I think it was taekwondo) who went to South Korea to fight in an international competition between the two countries. The main character was named Tommy Lee and he was the best fighter on the American team. The competition is a series of 5 individual matches, with the side scoring the most cumulative points being the winner.

Tommy, being the best, is the anchor on the US team. After 4 matches, I think the Koreans are slightly ahead. But for his match, Tommy has to fight this bad-ass-eyepatch-wearing-Michael-Jordan-of-taekwondo-guy (The 1992 Chicago Bulls Jordan). Not only that, but this Korean taekwondo legend had killed Tommy's brother in a match just like this one many years ago, and that memory was burned in Tommy's head. With some encouraging words from his coach played by James Earl Jones, Tommy goes and start destroying his opponent. He beats him up bad. Finally, with 10 seconds left in the match, the dude can barely stand, his eyepatch fell off, and he was staggering in the center of the mat. THe US were down by a point, and with one punch or kick, Tommy could have avenged his brother and killed his arch-enemy and also won the competition for the Americans. But Tommy just stands there, unwilling to strike his helpless opponent. The Koreans win the tournament.

There is a ceremony where the Koreans are awarded gold medals. After receiving his medal, bad-ass eyepatch guy limps to the other side, takes the medal off his neck and places around Tommy's neck, saying he was the true champion and he was sorry for killing his brother. (At this point, all the other Koreans also hand their medals over the other Americans, even though the other Americans were clearly dominated in every match. I still don't understand that part.) Tommy accepts his apology and they become good friends and team up in Best of the Best 2. (I think there were a total of 4 Best of the Best movies, which is three too many. The first one is clearly the best of the Best of the Best movies.)

Anyways, I think Paul should have given the gold to the Korean guy. The USOC says Hamm deserves to keep his medal, but if it were Hamm who got screwed by a scoring error, don't you think the USOC would kick up a storm to get a gold?


Wake Me It Must Be A Bad Dream Team

They matched my prediction for the 1992 Dream Team, which is that Magic, Jordan, and Bird could have finished 5-3 with at least a bronze. At least the women's basketball team got a gold.

The US men failed for gold in hoops, but didn't even medal in volleyball, didn't play handball or football (soccer), and failed to qualify for baseball. The US women won golds in basketball, beach volleyball, and football (soccer). Does this mean that girls play with balls better than guys? Hmmm....


Race Walking

This is one of the stupidest events ever invented. We're going to race, but you can't run. It looks like a bunch of folks trying to get to a flight on time, but don't want to look foolish by running. So they walk by swinging their hips and arms really fast instead.


Taking a Dive

I hate events that have judges instead of actual scoring or timing, but I have been wondering what the degree of difficulty is on a bellyflop or cannonball. Or if you just walked straight off the platform and went straight in feet-first like a missle. I wish someone in 26th place or who had no chance to win would try stuff like this.

Mad Cal Madden Day is about to begin. I'm well rested and I have enough food and drink to last me the next 24 hours. Why? Because I don't have work and I'm crazy. And I like to push myself to new levels. I've played up to 8 hours of video games straight, but have never had the chance to try for a full 24.

I have decided to play at the All-Pro level because I'm still learning all the controls of the new version. I will start a franchise using the hometown 49ers. The only roster changes will be to trade for Bubba Franks and Az Hakim. Az Hakim is the second best video game receiver ever, only behind the ridiculous Randy Moss. Hakim may have lost a step since his Madden 2002 glory days, but still remains a threat to score every time he touches the ball.

Live updates will be posted throughout the day.


2:25 am
Despite Hakim's 2 TD's in 2 games, my inability to kick field goals has given me an 0-2 record heading into week 3. Hakim is also wearing number 80 for the 49ers because Raushawn Woods was given number 81. No love for Jerry Rice.


5:00 am
I suck. Special teams and fumbles are killing me. Add in the fact that Mike Rumph can't play defense and my team is on a bad losing streak.

I am also currently watching the US men's basketball team play against Spain live from Athens. Tim Duncan is in early foul trouble. Stephon Marbury actually made a shot.

7:45 am
Midseason Report for the 49ers: not good
Tim Rattay does not appear to be the answer at quarterback. O-line is pretty lousy too. Win-loss record stands at 2-6. My record for the pre-game coin toss is also 2-6.

Maybe my luck will change since there is now light outside. Watching women's handball on MSNBC. Marbury actually made a lot of shots.

11:35 am
Dang, that was a long halftime. I dozed off and wasted about 40 minutes of Madden Day. At least it was halftime and I didn't wake up to find out I was facing 1st and 75 from the multiple delay of game penalties. Ken Dorsey has taken over the starting QB spot. Draft Kevan Barlow for your fantasy teams.

12:55 pm
Approaching the 13 hour mark, and the season is officially lost. 2-9. I lost 3 games on last second field goals. One from about 35, one from 48 in the rain, and one in OT after a contraversial fumble call. I could very easily have been 5-6. The field goal should be eliminated from football. The goal posts should only be used by rowdy fans to celebrate victories.

2:52 pm
I don't know how Jack Bauer does it. I'm only watching tv and playing video games, and I am tired of it with over 9 hours to go. Injuries are starting to pile up. I have a cold sore on my lip and a bruised left middle finger. My right thumb is getting the early symptoms of Street-Fighter-2-thumbitis.

I thought about going outside for some air, but I opened the door and the sun hurt my eyes. I might just stay inside until it gets dark.

4:48 pm
Mad Cal Madden Day has met a tragic end. I had rallied my team to a 5-10 record and was playing the New England Patriots in the regular season finale. Then without warning, the Playstation froze up. Just when my team was starting to click and build some momentum for next season, the computer had to keep a brother down. My jersey would say 'It Hate Me.' After rebooting, I discovered that I had not saved since week 11, where my record was the ugly 2-9.

I don't know if Madden Day should resume. On one hand, I was starting to really get into the game. Az Hakim had scored his 8th TD of the season. (Hakim also had 7 tackles while on offense for the season, which is not a good thing for a WR.) I was getting the hang of all 85 options I had for my defensive backs on each play. I was even making 42 yard field goals. But on the other hand, I've played 15.5 straight games of Madden in the last 17 hours (minus the 40 minutes when I dozed off). I think it's time to stop.

Besides, I've got to play season 2 of my Boston Red Sox franchise in MVP Baseball. We're the defending World Series Champions.

I'm using up the rest of my vacation day before I lose them, so I'm taking the rest of the week off. Not like there's much work to do since our center is going to be closed for almost a month.

I'm be doing a little golfing on Wednesday. Got to practice. Thanks to my many sponsors so far, but am always looking for a few more Rescue Mission supporters. You know you want to help. Email me.

It may be two weeks late, but I have declared Thursday Madden Day. All day football. I'm talking 24 hours. Come by 5824 if you want to play. It starts 12:00am Thursday.

Pepsi is one of many sponsors for Jeff Gordon and the #24 Dupont Chevy Team in NASCAR's Nextel Cup. Because I think race car hoods are the best form of advertising, I tend to choose Pepsi products over Coke products.

Since there is all this low-carb crap going around, Pepsi has been making Pepsi Edge (similar to Coke making C2), which claims to have full flavor and half the sugar. The other day at Albertson's I picked up a 2 liter of Pepsi, which was on sale for 99 cents. I noticed that a 2 liter of Pepsi Edge was only 89 cents, so I decided to get that as well and take the Pepsi Edge Challenge.

I took 2 cups, marked the bottom of one, filled one with Pepsi and the other with the Edge. I closed my eyes, swithched them around like I was doing the ball under the cap video thing at the ballpark. I took a sip from each cup, and I can tell you that Pepsi Edge does not have the full flavor it advertises. In fact, I am sure that Pepsi Edge is just Diet Pepsi in a new package. I'm either going to toss the rest of the Pepsi Edge or pretend it's Kool-Aid and add some sugar to it. When is anyone going to come out and make some hi-carb foods?

(Warning: This post describes acts of graphic violence against spiders. Reader discretion is advised.)

A long time ago, Danny once gave me a rap name. It was Spyda-Killa. That's what I do. I kill spiders. It seems like I've been playing Arachnophobia the last couple days. They sneak into the house, then I kill them. It was getting kind of boring, so I had to make it more interesting.

The usual death sentence for trespassing is carried out by smashing. I get a newspaper, tissue, a shoe, or whatever is in reach, and simply smash the spider against the wall or ceiling.

A second method utilizes rubber bands. I use this when the target is in a difficult to reach area. This gives me a chance to keep my archery skills sharp. The downside is I will mis-fire occasionally and the spider will have a chance to escape. But direct hits can be very rewarding. I once caused one of those skinny long-legged spiders to explode with a direct hit. 3 of its legs were left hanging on the web, 2 legs were on the ground. The body and the remaining 3 legs were never found.

The most recent group of eight-legged invaders have experienced death by fire. Those long BBQ lighters are perfect for me to use. It's too bad spiders don't actually burst into flames. They just kind of toast. I have to be careful, because burnt spider smells pretty bad.

I just hope the spiders from Harry Potter never find about what I do to their friends. But my next WMD (Weapons-Making-Day) will have plans for a flamethrower just in case.

Just a bunch of scattered items....

My fantasy football magazine cost me almost $10. There were cheaper ones available, but after I ranked each of their cheatsheets, mock drafts, and scouting reports, this one came out on top. Just like I will in my fantasy football season.

I had the chance to be a guest Sunday school teacher at a church this past week. I think I will visit other churches more often. It makes me appreciate my church more. Sure, there's a lot of crap that goes on, but there's a lot of good things as well.

I almost cried twice this past week. Both times while cutting onions. It makes me so sad, the thought of having to clean up after I cook. I almost cried a third time while watching Armageddon. God bless Harry Stamper.

I am helping the Bay Area Rescue Mission raise some money. If any of you have a few extra dollars to support our ministry to the underprivillaged in Richmond, please email or call me with your address and I'll send you a packet about our golf fundraiser (I've been practicing, so I'll do well this year). Every bit helps.

My work day yesterday consisted of taking a couple of kids to Six Flags Marine World. I had not been there since they put in all the roller coasters. These kids had season passes and were going to pay the $10 for my admission with a coupon if I drove them there, to repay me for always buying them food and treating them so kindly. (However, that morning, their mom got mad at someone and refused to give them their allowance, so I had to pay anyways. They will get me a DVD of my choice in the near future.)

Just as we were getting there, one of the kids mentioned that he hopes none of the rides break down as we go on them, since it was Friday the 13th. I was unaware of the date, but after that, I made sure my safety harnesses were locked in good. It had been a while since I got on roller coasters, but most of the Marine World rides sucked.

Medusa was awesome. I ran out of breath screaming during the first drop.
Roar was pretty good. I usually don't go on the wooden coaster because of an irrational fear of termites, but I liked this ride.
Kong sucked. If you are not in the front, all you can see is the seat in front of you.
Zonga sucked. This one sucked more than the Giants bullpen.
I forgot what other rides we went on, but most of them were weak.

My top 3 roller coaters:
1. Top Gun (Great America)
2. Demon (Great America)
3. Goliath (Universal Studios)
(Medusa would have placed a very close 4th)

I haven't been watching too much of Last Comic Standing. It was a Last Comic Standing (season 1) marathon that initially started my short career as a stand-up comedian. Anyways, I saw last week's episode where they were down to the last 6 comedians. 2 of them absolutely sucked. One guy didn't even seem to have a set prepared. It is time for me to start preparing for next season's Last Comic Standing.

My set will have no jokes about shoelaces. Those are knot funny. (My real stuff will be better. I promise.)



My current favorite commercials on tv:
(the best commercial for me is still the hood of a car travelling at 180mph, but this short list is only for tv spots)

-The Carl's Jr commercial with the girl eating all kinds of stuff from the fridge. I think the girl is really good looking (and she didn't even sneeze!). The commercial does not make me want to buy the low-carb-whatever-it-is thing they advertise.

-The Coors Light one where they party with the blondes, brunettes, and redheads. I mostly just like seeing the blonde, brunette, and redhead. This commercial does not make me want to drink Coors Light.

-The Toyota trucks competing in athletic events, such as the long jump and playing baseball. Very cleverly done to attract sports fans. It kind of makes me want to buy a truck, even though I can't afford it.

-The Dairy Queen commercial for the Brownie Blizzard. I was dying the first time I saw it. This commercial makes me want to lick electric mixers.

Last night I watched the third Lord of the Rings movie, The Return of the King, just because I had not seen it in a while and I had 3 hours to burn.

After a long journey, Frodo and Sam finally get inside Mount Doom. Frodo stands at the edge and Sam is yelling for Frodo to throw the ring into the fire, but Frodo decides to keep the ring for himself. Sam is laying there crying as if he couldn't believe what is happening.

I was thinking if it were me in Sam's place, I would have drop-kicked Frodo's halfing butt off the cliff right then and there. I understand Frodo is Sam's closest and ambigioulsy-gay friend and all, but after all the crap we went through to get there, all the sacrifices people made, and especially after the whole incident of choosing to trust Gollum over me, the Liu Kang flying kick is coming your way. (Pit Fatality!) I would feel bad for a little while, until I realized I just saved all of Middle-Earth from the wrath of Sauron.

Maybe this will be one of the deleted scenes or alternate endings when the 5 hour extended version comes out on DVD.